It's good to do things for yourself but when a roadblock like feeling guilty gets in the way, it becomes more of a challenge. It is getting to the point where I don't know what to do and every decision makes me feel guilty. Moving on means I'm betraying my past. Sticking to before makes me feel cheated of my own future. I already know what the near future holds but further down is where things get murky. I figure that just because something is far off doesn't mean that I should just sit and wait for it to come. I should be allowed to do things for myself. I think it's time too. Especially when my mom told me that she thinks I've changed so much in this past half year and that I've lost every bit of true happiness that she once saw before. How depressing. Can't say that life has been nice to me lately either. So I it would make sense to steer towards something that is enjoyable and can make me happy. But honestly there better be a shit ton of patience up ahead because I am still such a wreck.
During a trauma is complete destruction. Afterward it all goes numb for god knows how long. Just because you are taken out of the environment that caused it all doesn't mean that it won't be on your mind. I realize now that what was all the potential in the world before doesn't mean that it can pull through to the future. Some things just aren't meant to be. But then again that's the funny part is that we'll never know.
I guess I am slowly but surely starting to let go of the once upon a time. But whenever something goes wrong, I jump right back into holding on to the past for comfort. It's much easier to rely on the past than the future because you've already seen what's happened and know what to expect. What really does the trick is when you open yourself up completely and get to a point where you are vulnerable and then everything you once believed in starts to shatter.
Well after all the whining and being a baby, I am going to start a new. Hope this time goes well for the sake of my sanity.
